I never do fucking anything. I am eating a giant apple fritter [I think it’s giant, idk the average size of an apple fritter] and drinking a huge coffee. Check And Mate. The time is 18:05 and I am writing to you from Happy Donuts in North Beach. What I should be doing is writing a proposal to get this job I read about on Craigslist. It’s a paid gig: being the ambassador for a weed company. I would reply to emails, and go to events. It’s totally up my alley, I should really apply. I need to build up the confidence to write that email…or something. Am I just lazy? It doesn’t have to be anything long, I should just get it over with. I’m gonna talk to Casey about it maybe tho, and get to it in the AM.
Some lady gave me “chocolate covered grapes” today as I was entering the Library. She was leaving. Normally I would never eat food from strangers…but I felt good vibes with this. The weirdest part about the whole thing is that what she gave me, they were definitely chocolate covered raisins. I really thought she was about to whip out a bag of fat-ass grapes with chocolate all over them and give it to me, and she pulled out some chocolate covered raisins, but it said ‘chocolate covered grapes’ on the container! I should have taken a photo, but I totally didn’t, and now I’ve thrown it away cuz I ate them all. It was a lot.
This apple fritter is a lot. Whoa. Sugar sugar sugar; it’s basically all I consume. I have just over two hours before Casey gets off work…what to do? what to do! I should be prepping for the future…instead I just do this. I am going to text my Dad real quick to see if he got my debit card. || I ate some of my fritter after I texted him, and still no answer. I called him a little bit ago too, but he didn’t answer and I don’t blame him because I really called out of nowhere. Okay! So! What I need to do is…some research. and take notes. and find a job and a regular place to chill with good, cheap scones and good internet. Happy Donuts…I don’t think there is internet here. I haven’t asked, but nothing of similarity shows up in the wifi options. OoOo my Dad texted me. My debit card arrived at his house! Wowza. He is going to mail it to me…or actually he is going to mail it to Casey. Cool. So I’ll get that in a couple of weeks or whatever, and I’ll be able to get direct deposit at my new job, wherever that new job is. I can’t believe I elected to leave Buena Vista park and come eat this apple fritter. I should have just stayed there all night, that was the move. I just want to lay down someplace warm. The wind was starting to come actually, that is why I left the park. The wind is going to be striking everywhere in the city. Ugh. I still have a long time before Casey gets off work. Today was a really unproductive day, and now I am literally all the way out of money. Cool. Okay…I should really sit here and edit and what not until Casey gets off in 2 hours, but I feel like I am going to do something much stupider like go smoke weed in a park somewhere. I am hungry. Nonono; I am stoned! I need to be prepping for that job and all that, but nah, I’ve just been in and out, in and out; not living right. I gotta figure it out. Idk what to do…but I think I am going to go chill in a park and think about life…I guess for 2 hours, as I wait for Casey. I really wish I had a girl to hang out with. I will have to figure that situation out and get a girl to kick it with…Peace!
* * *
My job search is not going well. Maybe I just don’t want a job lol. I want a job in one of those tech kitchens, that seems like the move. There are jobs available, but many of them are not what I would want to do long term. I want a job I can hold onto for a while, maybe get a raise…it would definitely become easy, you know?
I am writing to you from USCH, and dare I say…I am bored? I looked through all the ads on CL this morning, but nothing jumped out to me, and then I even reconsidered sending this email I was going to send out…so now I’m just chillin. and I’m almost out of weed. My G did borrow me some money, but idk when it will be in my acct. I also transferred some money over from my tdameritrade acct, so at least I won’t be a totally broke mf for the time being, but damn skippy! I need to find a job. There’s this Ice Cream place hiring, Salt and Straw, and they need a supervisor. I was thinking about applying there, just diving full on into it! From the beginning that would be my plan, to tackle that team and make it run smooth. I know the SF game, I can play that shit. Buttt nothing will be as easy or as good as working in a tech kitchen. 06:00-14:30? Those are the best possible hours I could ever ask for. I will have room for chillin, writing, and a second job if I want. It’s the most ace schedule I could ask for. Working 09:00-17:00? Well obviously that doesn’t sound appetizing by comparison. Casey is telling me to just bite what I got, but I like the prospects of a tech kitchen. I will find one…I will.
On my mind is that I should buy a scone. Damn scones! I could consider hitting the atm too. I am going to see if any of my tda money transferred over. Not yet. I’ve got $24, and my back hurts. My general plan is to go lay is Yerba Buena. I am texting my Dad now. OoOoOo and I feel the coffee. I also messaged Kalen and told him to remind me to tell him about the sweet idea I just had about living in an RV, later when he gets off work. I heard Oakland is actually making a place for people to park their RV’s permanently. Right now the whole bay is full of RV’s parked on the sides of roads everywhere! I’m picturing a situation where you can actually buy a plot at an RV lot, and then that piece of property would probably go up in value. You paid 10k, or maybe even 30k for a large spot, and you have to park an RV on it, and you have to obey some sort of lot code otherwise they kick you out. and I want there to be public toilets on the premises. Right in Oakland. Think this will be available? 30k is a lot of money…that’s 15k a piece if I split it with Kalen, and that would take us forever to save. We could try and get a loan…but would it go up in value? I think it would. I hope you could get one for 10k; a spot that is. Then buy a trailer for an additional 10k, and boom! You got yourself a home, for two people, split 10k each, and in the 2-3 years I would live there I would come out wayyyy on top. Way on top. If I worked 2 jobs…I guess I would have to consider the cost of the BART…it would be better to have something like that on this side, or down by the airport. Is it cheaper to bart to downtown from the airport, or Oakland? I really don’t know. The time is 09:59…I am being so non-productive, it’s not even funny [turns out, I think, the RV lot will be mostly for, like, real homeless people. I don’t see why the homeless people don’t just move to SLC tho.]
To get sconed, or to not get sconed, that is the question! I am also considering going to Bob’s and seeing what they have, but it’s all a farce; I shouldn’t be eating sugar. I am watching a video on IG from beatrixfosterscreates right now as I am typing. I had to look at the keys a little bit for that, but it’s just me having fun with my newly found skill of typing well without looking at the keys. Soo this girl Elena Velez, who is from Milwaukee but I am not sure I have ever met her, she might have even gone to my highschool though; Danae knew her from school, but I went to a different school than Danae. anyway. She styled GRIMES! Dude, wtf?!? I know right. I follow her on IG, not only because she is a beautiful girl from my hometown, but also because she is interesting. She went to Parsons School of Fashion in Paris, and then she got out and moved to NYC and just started doing her thing, and now GRIMES is wearing her fucking clothes. Damn. I am jealous I did not befriend her. She gonna be hella wealthy, and I believe her to be mighty interesting. I mean she is from Milwaukee, so how could she not be ill? Duh. I hope that’s what they say about me lol.
So I posted my HK doc, but I have not even opened up the one previous to this and begun to edit. Apparently I fucking hate editing, it takes me forever to get into. I gotta do it though! Just how I gotta get a job, I gotta keep up with editing. Do I really go to Yerba Buena and just chill? I should be going and getting hired! I am kind of playing it cool until 4/20. Oh! Tomorrow is my Moms birthday. Woohoo! I should probably call her. I am sure she’s doing alright, but I haven’t talked to her on the phone in a while, only thru text messaging. I feel like I am talking in circles. I need to talk about something new. What’s going to happen is, I am going to get a scone, refill my coffee, come back to this table, and…
* * *
So far I am having little luck with the finding a job. I sent out one email today. Woohoo. In front of me I have a large coffee and an apple fritter. I am so bad! I will learn…I hope. Or just survive a long time even with a bad diet lol. I am excited to be an old man…but I gotta make sure I’m set up by the time I get there!
After I left you before I took some notes on starting a t-shirt company with Kalen. I met up with him eventually, and we talked about a lot of the things. ASMR seems to be the way we are taking things. Cool. I am ready for that. I have passion for ASMR, and I would be happy to rep a company that sells ASMR related goods. Shirts. We’re gonna start with shirts.
I just ate a whole fucking fritter. Jesus Christ. Seriously. I can’t believe I am still living this life. I told myself I wasn’t going to get down with the sweets today, and I still ended up with a scone earlier, and a fritter now. Eh. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. I got coffee and a fritter. I am thinking of ordering a second donut…but that’s just so extra. Yeah, one can live like that…but not as long, and the closer it gets to the end the more you’re gonna wish you had done things differently. I’m definitely about to order another donut…tbh I’m just glad I am leaving something behind [when I die]. I’m at 135ish blog posts on my site now, and I am damn proud of that. I remember when I used to sit around drinking alcohol, thinking about life and all that jazz, and now I am actually out here living it, and I am real life writing about my travels. I may not be making money off my writing, and I don’t think this blog will be the pinnacle of my work, but I am out here doing it, and I feel good af about that. Okay. Real life I’m addicted to donuts and I’m going to get another one. Oh wait. The guy went wayway back behind the counter. I am going to wait until he returns. What I first walk into a restaurant it’s fair game, I’ll bother anyone, but once I’ve been there sitting for a while I tend to act different and I am overly-polite about asking for service. Mmm idk where the dude is. Oh wait, I see him. This sure is a quiet donut shop, but I like how roomy it is. I like the donuts at Bob’s better, but I like the wide open spaces of this place forsure. They both have one outlet, ain’t that a level playing field?
I just bought two more fucking donuts, no lie. I bought a plain ole fashion, and a chocolate ole fashion. I am going to regret this very soon, like as soon as I am done eating them lol. I feel like I eat nothing but sugar in the city. Omg. What have I grown up to become!?! I’m a damn sugar monger! Anyway. I am waiting for Casey to get off work. He gets off at 20:00 today, which is in 2 minutes. I told him to meet me at Happy Donuts. I met him at work for the past two days, but I aint ready for that cold walk today.
Was it so long ago I wrote about opening a donut shop inside a hostel? I am pretty sure I dreamed that dream. It is a dead dream now. I could never own a donut shop, or I would do nothing but eat donuts all the time. It would be dreadful to my health. I remember back in the day I used to get sconed as fuckkkk at the Green Tortoise. It was bad…I know that. I would eat like 15 cookies; I was wilding. Boy oh boy, those were some good times though.
I think I am infatuated with selling t-shirts. I am coming up with loads of ideas, not just asmr ideas. There is this site, 6dollarshirts.com; if we were to start selling t-shirts I guess they would become competition, but for now I follow their ig to learn. I would like to sell quality $6 shirts. In fact, I believe if I knew how to sell a shirt for $6 and make a profit, I would be onto a really flexible and realistic business model. Idk how those folks make money with $6 shirts tho; idk where they get the shirts! It’s not witchcraft, but it also ain’t something I’m ready to start doing today. I feel like eating another donut…I should really quit while I’m…well I should just quit. I am going to pack it in and go meet Casey wherever he is, even though I am cold. I just wanted to settle in and write a little bit and, well, look at my ass! I drink a large coffee and eat the equivalent of 4 donuts! Shame on you Chris! Shame on you!
* * *
The time is 19:06 and I am writing to you from Happy Donuts in North Beach. I have a medium coffee and a maple glazed ole fashion in front of me. The donut is good, but I am still a little disappointed in myself for ordering it. I told myself I wasn’t going to eat any sugar today, and you know what? I made it to 19:04 lol. Today was a roller coaster of a day. I’d like to think I learned something, or gained anything in any sense from the day, but only time will tell that; I am improving my life, but it is quite slow.
Today is my Mom’s birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I miss my mom, it has been quite some time since I have seen her. I saw her for a short amount of time when I was back in Wisconsin, but just a short time. Maybe when I am older we will spend time together like we once did. I have so many splitting thoughts in my head recently. Ugh. and I lack the patience to write them all down, that is the problem. I tell too much of the story. I need to just pick a story, and tell it; short and to the point. Today had some stories, but they are small potatoes compared to the big picture. I left with Casey this morning, and we spent the whole day tromping around the city before we finally made it back about 30 minutes ago, and then I ate some peanuts for a little bit while he at his Zoro burrito, and then I hit the road. He is pretty drunk and ready to hit the hay, but I am not ready to crash right now. The time is 19:15 as we speak, and the fact is I am not ready for bed.
Omg I just finished that fucking donut. Uggo Fuggo bro, uggo fuggo, that’s all I gotta say about that. Maybe I’ll order a second lol. Right now I am thinking about smoking a bowl…and in fact it’s probably what I should do because later on I am going to do some editing, and that’s practically boring if I am stoned. I think it’s better to do it on the other end of being stoned, like the tail end of it. Ugh. Yeah. So much to tell. This…I want this to be the last HeartOfZeus post you guys…I sit here in Happy Donuts after having a mediocre day, and I have a million thoughts running through my head, the top of which is that I need to gather the patience to spell out everything that is on my mind, but I also feel like if I grasp on to something else, it will help me find that patience for continual story telling. Cue: Spark Twain.
The prospect of editing all my writing is…daunting, to say the least. I have to edit like 10 or 12 pages, which is the first bit from San Francisco, and then I should also edit and publish this…although idk how I am going to publish since this place has no internet. I’d have to go stand outside a Starbucks or something. I wonder if they turn their WiFi off at night, or if like, the homeless people can log on and use that shit all night. That would be the move. It’s cold in the financial district because the buildings funnel all the wind, but there are so many Starbucks, I could now understand why some people choose to sleep there. Seriously! People sleep outside in the FD, at least last year they did. London Breed…I think she has changed the city [for the better] a little bit. Casey pointed out that there are less homeless people, and I might agree with him. I mean I saw the cops wake 3 homeless people up that were sleeping on the Kearny steps the other day. WTF you guys, last year that shit never would have happened. I smoked weed on my work shifts outside on those steps for a long time, and I never saw the cops come and wake someone the fuck up. Never. Nevereverever. If you had told me that I was about to see the 5-0 wake up the homeless people sleeping on the Kearny steps, back when I was in Vietnam, I never would I have been able to believe you. Cops didn’t do shit about the homeless people last year. Like not shit. It was a joke. It’s going to take some getting used to; because with the cops playing harder on the homeless folk, I am closer to the fringe than I’ve ever been in this city!
Today I bought some new socks…soon I will need a new hoodie. I actually bought one last year in Chicago from a thrift store in Wicker Park, but I gave it to the guy who was running my first Airbnb in India because I didn’t need it. Honestly; you wanna know honest? I bought the new one because it was a cold day in Chicago and I needed it when I stupidly didn’t bring my leather coat. I didn’t want to wear the one I bought in Chi while I was in India, because it looked new af, and you know I have this old holey af hoodie, but I earned and built all these holes. I didn’t want to walk around in a brand new hoodie getting treated like a brand new hoodie cat [it was bright hunting-orange] when I have a perfectly good hoodie that gets me treated like the mf who built the hoodie. I mean it’s a Carhardt hoodie, I didn’t really craft it, but I have worn this thing a lot since my G bought it for me in like…2011? Let’s just say 2011, I could be totally off with that. I remember being in Fleet Farm and looking at the hoodies, and i remember picking this one out…it’s such a mess when the actual date was, but logically it must have been after I lived in River West. I feel like maybe I owned the hoodie during my time in River West…but probably not. I wonder if I should buy another donut. I am really not keeping on track with what I want to/am supposed to be writing.
I was going to tell you about my day, and how Casey bought two super veggie burritos from this place Gordo on 9th Ave, but then I got sidetracked. Well, now I have told you. He got drunk af again today. idkkkk. The more drunk he gets the less he gives a fuck about anything, and so as the day goes on it gets harder to continue kicking it with him. It’s so weird when he gets drunk; like, he turns kind of dysfunctional, but recently imo he has been turning into an asshole when he gets drunk…which is everyday. I mean…that’s bad right? The truth is I know Casey is an alcoholic, and Casey knows I am an alcoholic, but that doesn’t mean I can get thru to him. I watched him save up 7k, and then slowly blow all of it on cheap, shitty coke from some guy down on Mission and Four. It was…so sad. but you know what? Casey don’t give no fucks. He doesn’t give a fuckkk. He strung that habit well into when he couldn’t afford it, and he was getting a little bit fucked up at MAC’D. I mean sometimes he would get high af, don’t get me wrong, but then a lot of the time I would watch him stretch a little amount for quite a long time. It wasn’t fun to watch any of it, and so after I left the city he got off that shit, and then he started drinking right afterward! No good. That was how things went down.
Actually that’s what all my ‘lost’ writing is about. Last year I wrote like 150 pages of…rambling, and it’s split up into six document titled Bob’s Donuts 1-6. The lot of it I was about being blown out with Casey so eventually you will be able to read about that whole experience. I basically…forgot what I have written. I know how to access it, and eventually I need to edit it, but for now it just sits. It’s still not that old.
I just bought another donut. It is almost fully dark outside, and the time is 19:52 on 04/19/19. I sit in this city full of highly educated, tech industry people, and I feel myself very poor. I want more. But how bad do I really want it? It’s been one whole week that I have been back in SF, and I still don’t have a job, or even any real prospects of a job. I was going to go apply for this cashier position today, but I didn’t go in. I need to shave my beard off if I am going to work in food, forreal. The cashier position is 7-3 m-f in the fd, did I write about it already? Those are good prospect. and 17 an hour. Boom! What more could I ask for? I just show up sober every day and I’ll be making good money in no time. I kinna wish I had gone in today, but Monday might still be a good day. If they haven’t hired anyone, then it’ll always have been meant to be. Dig?
I could literally show up at 2 am tonight; I have the keys and Casey is just chillin back there. It’s good. but I probably won’t use this freedom too liberally, I’ll probably come back early. He has smashed burrito all over the inside of his bag and I fear it will bring The Roaches. Real thing. I can’t believe I wrote that. I kind of felt that writing about it could bring bad juju on the subject, but then I decided: fuck that, I do what I want.
I want so badly to grab life by the balls…and I know I don’t because I am always stoned. I used to get stoned and have a surge of energy, but now it’s like I can only do that every once and awhile. I gotta like, only smoke the second half of the day, you know? I want a full time job where I am getting paid well enough to save, and I want a smokin-hot girl friend who lets me fuck her in all sorts of crazy ways, and I know both of these are very obtainable in my position, and it’s disappointing I haven’t gone after their acquisition harder since I have been back in the city! For the first time in my life I feel like I have it in me to build my own empire, finally, and I am so excited to start! So it’s like…why don’t I have a job yet? I have been sitting and talking myself into “I only want a job at a tech kitchen,” yet at the same time I am not jumping on shaving my beard, which I really should be. I am hoping to meet some girl at Dolores Park tomorrow and have her shave my beard. That’s what I want. Oh yeah; that’s what I want. I was just daydreaming about it. Could go totally swell man. Maybe she’ll plug me on a job too. Do I want to work in North Beach? Wow. I should have gone in for that cashiering job at the sandwich place in the Galleria. I need to go in on Monday. Just like…taking orders on a touch screen all day and dealing with money? Sounds like the most boring thing in the world, but I promise I would be phenomenal at it. I am really adamant about getting a job in the morning and then not smoking weed before I go to work. Even though I am Spark Twain, I still want to hold a job where I don’t smoke weed all the time. Kalen is doing it and he is living a pretty good life. If I start trying to work some cashiering job in the fd all stoned everyday, that’s just going to end ugly. I’ll be spending more money on weed, first all, and second I’ll be tired af all the time and I just won’t be having a good time. If I get a job where I’m the customer service captain/cashier at a sandwich shop in tech part of the city? and I don’t smoke weed everyday until I’m out of work and I get paid and use my checks to pay rent in the city and invest in things that will help make me more money on the side; and I keep this up for a year or two, probably while getting promotions at my job even though the hours will never change because they close at 15:30? Smooth-fucking-move that would be! I’m on seven pages here…there is no way I am about to edit all that work tonight. Am I? I really should. I should stay out until midnight if that’s what it takes, duh! Get some new content on my blog for 4/20?!? Nobody except for Kalen really reads it, but I still feel good about it all. Hmm. and I said earlier in this article, like within the last hour lol, that I was done with HOZ and I was moving onto ST. Idk if that is going to remain true. It would be a good motivator, because I need some money rolling in to fuck with expanding on ST, but that is certainly not my number one reason for getting money and I don’t think it is going to rock the boat enough to really make me motivated; and so it’s not worth me entertaining the idea just to fail, or expending the extra resources implementing the change at this stage, because like I said: no one is really reading this and I don’t think that is about to change just because I change formats over to ST; although I think the format change will overtime help build a stronger, more memorable personal-writing-brand. PWB I guess.
I am so fucked up over girls, man. There were just these two spry looking birds in Happy Donuts, and one of them was thicc, I mean like thiccaf and they came into the shop while I was editing before, but then I went outside to smoke a bowl, and while I was out there they left the donut shop, but they kind of bobbed around outside for a bit and I knew I could go talk to them; of course my ego has me thinking they were bobbing around waiting for me to talk to them specifically. My ego thinks things like that a lot, it’s probably not true, I realize as I get older and use logic more and more. So I came back in and wanted to edit, but I just couldn’t/can’t get the one girl out of my head. She was wearing skin tight black jeans, and a black hoodie. Punk rocker, and looked a little in the face like the girl from Cambridge who was going for astrophysics at university of someotherlesser city. I’m not saying this girl looked a lot like her, just a little bit, but it made me think that maybe she’s actually a nerd disguised as a punk rocker. Idk. It doesn’t matter. She’s gone, with her ass and all that, and I am stuck here with my computer and I am supposed to be editing some of my past work, but I got horny and distracted and have wound up writing instead of editing…as usual. I am not worried though. I write…a lot. I do. I know that I produce a lot of writing. I re-read all of it at least once when I give it the final edit, and then it goes to my website, and much of that stuff I haven’t read since I posted it. It’s getting to the point where I am starting to wonder what to do with all the writing. Can I sell it in anyhow? Write an epic using all the different articles, the new story being an expedited version of the Heart Of Zeus story? I could do that. Ugh. So much work. It’s all so much work. My current plan is to switch over to the Spark Twain platform and start writing more humorous stories, mostly about San Francisco but I could write stories about anywhere. Then I will make people want to read the stories because they are funny, interesting, and informative, as they will be pseudo-fiction. Real SF; embellished stories.
Ugh. I don’t feel like fucking editingggg. I guess it’s my job. Writing has become the easy part, where as editing is the really dreadful task. I can writeandwriteandwrite forever, and the fact is that I want to edit all the work I produce. If I let someone else go over it, they might not do what I would want done for the editing, and in the end they could fuck it all up. I could never read, or even look at the final product; ever, but that doesn’t seem like a good way to build a personal brand.
The time is 21:14 in North Beach and I am still at the donut shop. I am starting to think I should head back to Casey’s, idk. I could edit in the morning, make it my sole task, and then go to the park later. I guess I don’t wanna be all smoked out before 4:20. I mostly celebrate the day, but so many people celebrate the time too it’s hard to avoid. When it’s not 4/20 I smoke at 16:20 if I notice it, or if I can. But when it is 4/20, I just smoke and smoke and don’t worry about the time of day or anything like that. Dig? Okay…I am going to wrap this up, power through editing as much of my other work as I can, and then go hit the hay at Casey’s and wake up on 4/20 and get baked all day and meet some cute girls. Peace!